1. Do you have a girlfriend?
2. Even though you're American, do you have a proclivity for speaking with a foreign accent in bed? (note: you may ask him to specify the accent if certain accents are okay but others are not okay. do your thang, girl)
Now these are two questions I never thought I would have to ask pre-sex. I suppose I assumed that anyone hitting on me would be single, and that people don't speak in accents unless...they actually have an accent (I guess anyone acting in a play or film could be excluded from this assumption...but just barely). I suppose I was being presumptuous in my assumptions, so here's how this shiz went down...
Friday night, I planned on staying in which is really really hard for me to do, but I was supposed to be doing a nine fucking hour spinning instructor course on Saturday. I was, however, easily convinced to go to dinner and a few "early" drinks with my friend, Crazy Dancer. Well, this obviously turned into having dinner and wine at the bar at a classy establishment and chatting up Sexy Bartender. You can see where this is going.
Slowly everyone in the restaurant finishes their meals and departs leaving myself, Crazy Dancer, and Sexy Bartender tipping back too much free wine and getting to know one another. Turns out that he's a vertiable infant at twenty-one years of age (you'll find this is a motif with me) and his family owns the restraurant. He's a junior in college...precious really. He's quite smart and interesting, so we're all getting along fabulously.
Long story short, Crazy Dancer departs, Sexy Bartender and I get handsy, and I take him home to get our fuck on. Remember the part earlier about the accent? Of course you do. Apparently when balls deep, Sexy Bartender likes to talk dirty, and he likes that dirty talk to come out in an Irish accent. This mash-up clip from In Bruges (excellent movie, btw) really sums up what our love making sounded like.
I wish I could tell you that I laughed in his face or at least called him out on it, but I'm fairly certain that I just went with it. I guess I just wanted to see if there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (there wasn't).
Now you will also recall that I mentioned a second question to ask when considering someone for sex. He was really classy and left in the middle of the night (fucking Irish). I've never been left before, so I facebook stalked the shit out of him in the morning. Among the treasures I found were a photo album of him and a young lady entitled "Love", a picture of roses from Valentine's Day with the caption that says "Isn't Sexy (Irish) Bartender the best???", and to top it all off, one of this lady's INTERESTS was "I love Sexy (Irish) Bartender". That doesn't even make sense...that's how much she fucking loves him.
So it all makes sense. Why he left me in the middle of the night, and even why he put on a brogue to tell me to BLANK his BLANK (see above clip for word suggestions). It's not cheating if you do it with an accent. Fact.
Oh, and by the way, I never made that spinning class. Luck of the fucking Irish.
